(Originally posted April 10th, 2013)
Steady is the only word I can think to use to get me through these next couple weeks. Steady classes, steady studying, steady work. Steady ME. (Is that possible?)
Steady is kind of a crazy word. Let’s see:
Definition of STEADY
Laughing a little at the keeping ‘nearly’ upright in a seaway. Nearly upright seems to be how these next couple of weeks are going to go, but I’m perfectly okay with that as long as my head stays above water.
When this semester is finally over, I’m heading out of Spartan Nation and heading down to the coast to finally attend the college and live in the place that I’ve known and loved for my whole life. I’m kind of excited.
This whole thing now has me wondering why it took me so long to finally do this. Why didn’t I just listen to myself and head down right after high school? Why did I stay for two years? Why why why why why, and the only answer is, I was scared.
It’s funny, though, to think that. Scared? Of what? Honestly, scared of a campus full of all new people. Scared of leaving my family, my little brothers. Scared of leaving my friends. Scared that maybe I’ll get there and I’ll hate it. But I think what I was most scared of was that, strangely enough, I might love it.
I might love the small campus with the well known history. I might love to be back where people say “y’all” and they have manners. I might love to know that I can drive a few hours and see my family. I think I was scared that by loving it, I wouldn’t have anything to miss.
But isn’t that what I should strive for? I don’t want to have to miss anything. I’m tired of missing. Missing the beach, missing out on the school, missing the boys’ baseball games, missing my grandparents, missing the food, missing my aunts uncles cousins, my parents.
I think that what needs to be steady in this life is going for what we want. Steadily learning that to put things off is a shame to ourselves, and to back out of things because we’re afraid of the newness should be considered embarrassing, because why live this life if we’re not going to do it to our image of perfection?
Now listen, I don’t care if you like this or not, but I had a lot of help from God in making my decision. I prayed and prayed and knelt and prayed some more about what I was doing – was it right? Would I be happy? Would I be making others happy or would I be hurting them? Ultimately, would I be doing what He thought best?
Well, I believe I found my answer. My parents moved to the coast, granting me with in state residency. A friend, whom I haven’t spoken to since our high school graduation, out of the blue asked me if I knew of anywhere to live for the next school year. I did, it was me. The school that I want so badly to attend will take my transfer with the acceptance of transcripts, and they genuinely want students to be a part of their community. Now I don’t want to assume, but if that didn’t tell me that all was okay, I don’t know what would.
But I feel like I’m ready for this journey. I’m ready for the steady part to be over so that I can become myself again – carefree, excited and adventurous.
The other day I was telling someone about when I was younger and the things my good friend and I would get in to. We were wild children and I look at myself sometimes and wonder where I went, where the child with so many dreams took off to. Now I know where she is and what she would want. She wouldn’t like this ‘steady’ and she sure wouldn’t like my fear.
Maybe that’s the little boost we need when we’re considering if we want to go after something we’ve wanted for so long. What would I have wanted when life didn’t want anything back from me? What would I have pictured for myself when I had everything before me?
For me, it’s a long road with houses on 10 foot high stilts, the feel of suffocating heat and a beach at the end of the willow lined walk.